


Always On My Mind

by WhiteWolvesHuntAlone



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bucky Barnes Cooks, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Has Nightmares, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Bucky Barnes Has Panic Attacks, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Bucky Barnes and the 21st Century, Domestic Avengers, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Wanda Maximoff Helps Bucky Barnes Recover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-03-05 07:47:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18824299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhiteWolvesHuntAlone/pseuds/WhiteWolvesHuntAlone
Summary: After the events of Black Panther, Steve and Tony reconcile, and Tony allows Bucky Barnes to live in the Avengers Tower, where some of the other characters have settled in the meantime. All is good... Sort of. Through intensive therapy, Bucky is learning to deal with his PTSD and is now considered more or less stable. But the road to recovery is going to be a long one, as his conversations with Wanda Maximoff keep reminding him. Will she be able to help the Winter Soldier regain some of his former self?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, first of all: The Wanda we see in this story is quite different from the MCU character. For the most part, it will probably help to think of her as a new character with similar powers to Wanda's.  
> Second of all: Be prepared to learn more about her origin story, which may stray quite far from the canon. You have been warned.  
> And finally: This is not a completed story yet, but I am regularly uploading chapters (approximately two chapters a week?) Just in case Archives shows it as a completed work (I'm new and confused).

_March 7,_

Stevewrites in his black little notebook.

_Sam's leg is healing fast. Bucky still doesn't eat much. Although,_

he adds, upon remembering the events of the morning,

_he made himself breakfast without waiting for someone else to tell him to._

This 'someone' is usually Steve, and he has become pretty much the only person who can get Bucky to eat these days.

Steve sighs, reaching for the remote on the other end of the sofa. As he turns on the TV, he hears steps on the floor above him, coming down the stairs. Quickly, he snaps the notebook shut and shoves it under a pillow, just in time before the steps reach his floor.

 _"Steve?"_ , the other man asks, a slight tone of uncertainty in his voice. Steve turns away from the TV to look at his friend. In the bright afternoon sunlight shining through the vast windows of the Avengers Tower, his light skin appears even more pale, and the strands of hair framing his face cast dark shadows onto his sleepy features. Steve finally declares:  _"Buck, you're awake."_ He stands up from the sofa and takes two steps towards Bucky. After making eye contact with him, Steve places a hand on his friend's shoulder. His movements are slow, cautious, and he's careful to make sure Bucky can see his hand coming so as not to surprise him. Bucky knows Steve can nevertheless feel him suppress a shudder. It's not that Bucky doesn't _like_ to be touched by Steve. If anything, Steve is probably the only person allowed to come closer to him than a handshake's distance. But after years of torture, he can never quite shake the feeling of uneasiness he has learnt to associate with physical contact. A moment of silence passes, uninterrupted by the TV playing the weather forecast. Which reminds Steve -

 _"I was going to have lunch",_ he informs his best friend. When Bucky doesn't reply to that, Steve clears his throat and adds:  _"are you hungry?"_ Bucky shrugs, looking unsure. Quickly, it becomes evident to Steve that he's not going to get a satisfying reply from his friend, so he tries again:  _"I'm going to heat a pizza in the oven. Do you want one as well?"_ Again, there's no immediate response from Bucky, who instead starts eyeing the clock on the wall, as if it's going to give an answer in his place.  _"It's 2 pm",_ he finally states,  _"and we usually have lunch before one."_ He's trying hard to keep his voice monotonous, and Steve has to pretend he doesn't hear the anxiousness underneath it. Instead, he calmly explains that he didn't want to wake Bucky and that he wasn't that hungry before, anyways.

After what feels like an eternity to both of them, Bucky decides that he'd like to have lunch, too, so Steve walks over to the kitchen to put two frozen pizzas into the oven. While he's watching the oven light blink, his friend can hear him humming the tune to a jazz song from the 40s.  _Cotton Tale_ by Duke Ellington brings up hazy memories of dancing with people he doesn't know in bars he doesn't remember, and Bucky isn't sure he wants to think about any of that right now, so he sits in front of the TV instead. The first thing he sees are the news, which usually interest Bucky, but after a few seconds he decides that he doesn't understand what the news anchor is saying anyways and switches to the next channel. Which is playing some modern day music that clashes hard with the soft tune his friend is humming, so he switches once again.

 _"Pizza's done",_ Steve says, turning towards the sofa. When Bucky doesn't reply or move, he says it again, this time a little louder. Still no response from his friend. Carefully, Steve places the two trays on the kitchen counter and moves towards the sofa.  _"Bucky?"_ He's taking cautious steps towards his friend now, who neither moves nor otherwisely reacts to Steve's calls. When Steve comes to a halt next to Bucky, the latter's eyes are glassy and glued to the television. Following his friend's gaze, Steve takes two looks at the TV program before he swirls around and squats down.  _"Hey, Buck",_ he whispers softly, but stressing every word,  _"look at me."_ Even though Bucky's face is only some inches away from Steve's, he gives the impression of looking right through his friend at the man on the television, swinging a pendant left and right.  _Hypnosis - mind control or trickery?_  reads the description card in the top right corner of the screen. The voice of the man in the telly is calm and quiet, providing with soft background noise for Bucky's increasingly fast and hard breathing. Funnily enough, his best friend doesn't know what to do. This isn't the first time Bucky has had a panic attack, but as Steve looks at his friend, eyes tightly shut and his whole body shaking, he realises that none of what he's saying is currently reaching Bucky. So when he sees from the corner of his eye that Wanda is coming down the stairs, it's not surprising that Steve waves her over without a second thought.

Fortunately, with Wanda, there's not much explaining to do. She has one look at Bucky and immediately moves past Steve to sit down on the sofa. Wanda, too, tries talking to him first:  _"Bucky",_ she whispers, _"it's me, Wanda. You're currently in the Avengers Tower, it's half past two, and there's no reason for you to be scared."_ Her words bring Bucky back to reality enough for him to turn his gaze to her, which hold a glassy look of panic in them.  _"Can you hear me?",_ Wanda asks softly. In response, Bucky whimpers. Then nods once, slowly, so slowly that she realises he isn't going to snap out of it on his own. Hesitantly, Wanda raises her hand to the man's temple. She isn't keen on using her telepathic abilities on one of her friends, given what they did last time she tried them out on Thor, who's by the way far more stable than the recovering Soldier. But Wanda does believe herself able to help Bucky, and so, reluctantly, she decides to give it a go.

A red mist makes its way out of her fingertips, slow and viscous like honey. It appears to linger at Bucky's forehead, dancing around the wrinkles and poking at his temple. Then, Bucky blinks. Once, twice.  _"What...";_ his sentence is interrupted by the realisation of what just happened. Before anyone can say anything, he is up on his feet and half walking, half running, past Wanda, past Steve and the hot pizza and up the stairs to his room. _"Bucky",_ Steve wants to say,  _"wait."_ But his voice doesn't obey him.


	2. Chapter 2

The sun has long ago set and the evening is somewhere on the verge of fading into the night when Wanda steps out of the bathroom, hair wrapped neatly in a towel and her white bathing gown loosely tied in the front. The cool air coming from the open window sends light shivers down her back. Wanda closes her eyes for a moment, listening intently to the noise of busy Manhattan streets and its cars and people. She likes to imagine that amidst the rows of cars, there are people like her who don't belong, hiding in the intimacy of a big city. But a quiet knock on the door interrupts Wanda's thoughts, maybe for the better.  _"Come in."_

Bucky steps into the room and cautiously closes the door behind him. He looks at Wanda with bloodshot eyes, shifting from one leg to the other with his hands in his pockets. After eyeing Wanda's bathing gown and the pile of clothes on the bed she was evidently about to put on, Wanda hears him murmur about how he can come back later. With a small laugh, she waves off her friend's words, and gestures towards the bed, motioning for him to sit down next to her. Hesitantly, Bucky obeys. Again, there is silence between them, silence that seems heavy but that none of them knows how to break. Finally, Bucky hears Wanda inhale deeply next to him. Her voice is soft the way Bucky knows it, never urging but always with intent. _"You knocked on the door",_ he hears her say,  _"so you clearly want to talk. Because I hardly ever hear you say anything, I'm assuming it's important."_ Wanda gives him a quizzical look. Bucky shakes his head.  _"Just want to thank you_   _for what you did earlier",_ he murmurs. Wanda doesn't respond, but she gives him a smile. Surely, this can't be the only reason Bucky came over to her room. And indeed, he adds after a few moments:  _"Can I talk to you about..."_ His voice trails off, as if he's unsure of what word should come next. _My nightmares? My panic attacks, and the anxiety that hardly ever subsides? How my therapist doesn't seem to know how to help?_ Granted, he's a competent guy, highly professional and knowledgeable in the field of trauma response. But that doesn't mean he knows how to handle a guy that was brainwashed for decades and has a higher killing rate than soldiers in the most gruesome war zones.

Of course, Bucky says none of these things; instead, he ends his sentence with a simple word:  _"Steve."_ When Wanda doesn't say anything in response, he assumes it's an invitation for him to elaborate.  _"He's constantly worrying about me, and it drives me mad. Every time I wake up at night, or can't fall asleep, Steve has this look of concern on his stupid face that might just kill me. If my mind doesn't, that is",_ he adds gloomily. Suddenly, it's as if someone gave him the permission to talk about it; maybe it's the fact that he hasn't had more than five hours of sleep in the last two days, but next thing he knows, Bucky blurts out:  _"I can't eat!"_ Which is, of course, only half true. Really, it's not so much that he  _can't_ eat as it is that he doesn't _dare_ to unless Steve, or sometimes Tony, almost force him to sit down with a fork in his hand and a plate in front of him. The worried looks his best friend gives him naturally don't help, and more often than not, Bucky ends up finding a poor excuse for leaving the table early.  _"I'm not used to it, you know?",_ he mumbles, more to himself than to Wanda.  _"Hydra only feeds you actual food before missions, and you don't get to choose what you have. Rest of the time, it's the feeding tube. And there was a certain number of calories and proteins you had to have, and now there's not."_  Bucky can hear panic rise in his voice, but he can't stop the words from coming out of his mouth. _"Instead, it's just_ 'what would you like to eat?'  _and_ 'I don't know what this is exactly, but hey!, try it',  _and I can't do this anymore, Wanda!"_ He jumps to his feet and buries his face in his hands, trying to muffle the quiet sobs escaping his lips.  _I'm worse,_ Bucky realises,  _than I thought I was._ Watching the progress he thought he had made evaporate in front of his eyes, what little composure he still has, it threatens to fall apart.

Wanda Maximoff is not the kind of person to lie to her friends; if anything, she can be brutally honest sometimes, and it's something she prides herself in. But while she likes to think she believes herself, when she says the words  _"You'll be okay, I promise",_ they do leave a bitter taste in her mouth.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, first of all, thanks to everyone who stuck around and got through the first two chapters of this fanfic. Keep in mind that I am trying to realistically portray how someone who has gone through as much trauma as Bucky has might deal with certain things. That being said, I don't want the tone to get too gloomy. Therefore, all of you who may have found it was a rather dark start, I think you'll enjoy this chapter. But I'll let the story speak for itself.

, _March 8_

_It's early and I'm the first one awake (I think). Had a dream about someone named Sarah. Steve was in the dream too._

Bucky furrows his brow, trying to remember what the dream was about.

_I think she might be his mum? Will have to ask Steve._

He reaches for the coffee mug in front of him.  _"Damn it!",_ Bucky curses as he almost burns his tongue, and grabs a glass of water. After emptying it, Bucky starts to feel the effects of the caffeine. Also, to be fair, he's had a decent amount of sleep -  _five hours?, he estimates -_ and he decides that he's awake enough now to try and make Steve proud by making porridge for himself and his best friend. Now, Bucky hasn't had porridge since 1942, and he certainly has never made one of these prepackaged ones, but he figures it can't be that hard. After pouring some oats into a pott, scooping out some with a spoon, and finally thinking  _"Screw it!"_ because Steve's going to finish whatever he doesn't and adding them back in, together with the milk, Bucky leans forward on the kitchen counter. He's still in his pajama bottoms and one of Steve's loose shirts that his best friend never wears, and for a minute or so Bucky contemplates whether or not he should change into his own clothes. Not that it matters; he isn't going to leave the tower before the weekend anyways. Sometimes, Bucky misses taking long walks, but seeing strangers is exhausting and his therapist is probably right by saying once a week is the maximum he can do. Then again, he supposes that his therapist also isn't wrong about caffeine being a trigger to his anxiety, but, mustering the mug on the table, he has to admit that doesn't exactly stop him. Old habits die hard, as they say. Especially if your habits are a hundred years old.

The porridge is done just in time before Steve enters the kitchen. He yawns:  _"Morning, Buck"_ , walking up to his friend and placing a peck on his cheek. Both of them laugh it off, as they always do, but that doesn't make the butterflies in Bucky's stomach any calmer. Frustratingly, it also doesn't make him feel less nauseous as he tries not to think about the feeling of dread touch sends through his body. Bucky knows that his best friend understands what the issue is; the two of them have talked about it before, and Bucky has explained to Steve that in Hydra, they conditioned him to fear touch by inducing severe nausea with the help of a drug. The only problem is that Bucky often thinks he might starve if he has to go one more day without feeling skin. At the moment, Steve is the only person whose touch is bearable. Fortunately, that person was born with enough sensibility not to mention any of that, instead choosing to direct his best pal's attention to the almost overcooking porridge. He chuckles slightly as Bucky mutters a string of curse words, and makes his way to the table.

Bucky gives Steve's hand a featherlight stroke before letting himself fall into the chair next to his friend. For a while, he just watches Steve eat, looking for a way to start the conversation. When he picks up the spoon, Bucky and Steve's elbows brush, so the former switches it to his left arm. Neither him nor Steve look up again until their bowls are empty. Bucky's spoon clatters in the glass bowl one final time, which is, surprising to himself, empty.  _"Sarah",_ he pronounces, the name feeling foreign on his tongue.  _"That's your mum's name."_ Bucky looks at Steve look at him in surprise. It's not until he adds a quick  _"that's it",_ signalling that that was all he wanted to say, that his pal cracks a smile and nods. He can feel a wave of relief washing over Bucky that's thanks to correctly remembering a relatively small detail in his best friend's life.  _"She always said she missed you, you know?"_ Steve chuckles as he remembers what his mother used to call his best friend: _"She called you 'buddy Bucky' when you weren't around. Had a blast, my mom, she really did."_ The expression on Bucky's face morphs from self-content into one that is hard to read. He doesn't recall much about Sarah, but one thing he remembers vividly about her is her hospitality towards him the time he came to visit. It was the only time, not because of Sarah, but rather because of the neighbourhood she lived in. Because it was 1942, and because people called their kids inside and slammed the doors shut when Steve and him walked past. They didn't do that where Bucky and Steve lived. There were a few such happenings the neighbours turned a blind eye on where Bucky and Steve lived.

 _"Bucky, remember the press conference I told you about?",_ Steve breaks the silence. Indeed, Bucky recalls Steve mentioning such a conference.  _"It's today, right?",_ he asks in reply. His friend nods, further explaining:  _"We'll have to go, Wanda too, but you'll have Vision to keep you company. If you need anything, just call me, alright?"_ Bucky can sense his friend's discomfort and clear unwillingness to leave him in the Tower alone. Granted, it's an irrational concern if you really think about it, because it's not like Bucky leaves his room much anyways. Even though he finds Steve's constant apprehension suffocating at times, he still tries to appreciate the worry.  _"I'll be fine",_ he assures his best friend, and with a light chuckle, adds:  _"And if not, I'll just talk to the robot."_ By which, of course, he means Vision. After that, the two men sit in silence again. Shortly after 6.30 am, Natasha enters the kitchen to inform Steve that they're about to leave. After the former jumps to his feet and runs to his room to change into his clothes, she turns to Bucky. _"You two are so sweet",_ she mocks, demonstratively rolling her eyes. Bucky raises a brow:  _"Jealous?"_


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a trigger warning in the tags, but just to make sure, I'll put one again:
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING FOR VOMITING/EATING DISORDERS
> 
> Nothing graphic, but be careful, okay?

_March 8,_

_It's funny how, when you don't leave the house for too long, you start to miss the smallest things. The wind, the dust..._

Bucky closes his diary and stows it safely in his bedside drawer. He then stands up and, still in Steve's shirt, makes his way to the balcony. The cool March air fills his lungs, and he can't say it's fresh because it smells like exhaust, but it's outside air and he smiles. Underneath the glass floor, Bucky observes the façade of the Avengers Tower. A bright flash before his eyes; Bucky gasps for air, grabbing the handrail. _A gun, a mother and her child. Two dead bodies lying on the floor. The Soldier who killed them wipes the fuze. And one of the bodies is a skinny blond boy with steel blue eyes, and then another shot is heard. And another one. Bucky_  sinks down to his knees, whimpering. His breathing is hard and fast, hand grabbing onto the hot metal of the handrail.  _So much red on his hands, so many children with mouths still wide open._ It's like the air is knocked out of his chest with a fist made of steel. And when he looks down, the earth is spinning too fast, and inertia threatens to hurl him out of its orbit. He pulls himself up, stumbles into the building and through the next door. But Bucky barely reaches the bathroom door before he is sick. With shaky hands, he wipes his mouth and lets himself sink to the floor, back against the cool wall. He tries humming a small melody to calm down. At this moment, Bucky regrets turning down Pepper's offer earlier to go shopping with her. Right now, it would be nicer not to be alone.

Suddenly, he hears steps coming towards him and at first he is startled. But then he remembers that Vision stayed in the tower as well, and indeed, he spots the android coming towards him.  _"Sergeant Barnes",_ the familiar voice greets him,  _"I picked up on alarming noises you made. Can I help you in any way?"_ Bucky shrugs, motioning towards the vomit on the floor.  _"You could clean that up, I guess?"_ His voice is flat from exhaustion, and he feels guilty for not doing it himself, but Bucky is barely able to stand up and has to lean his body against the wall once he's on his feet. Bucky watches Vision clean his mess, his sight blacking out in a monotonous rhythm. A wave of shame washes over the Soldier, weighing heavy on his shoulders. _"I was doing so well, Steve was so proud to see my progress. And now this. Everyone else has been through a lot, too. But Ave Maria, Mother of God, help me, because I'm too weak and I can't move on."_

His knees buckle under him and his vision flickers dangerously, but he's determined to reach his room before he passed out. The stairs under his feet shake threateningly. Bucky reaches for the handle, somehow, pushes it down and shuts the door behind him. He plays with the thought of taking a shower, then discards it immediately because there's no way he has enough energy for it. Instead, he crawls into his bed, draws his knees to his chest and pulls the blanket from under his body; soft, too soft. If he tried to fall asleep right now, maybe he could, but Bucky won't, can't deal with the gruesome pictures and the horrible screams again. So his eyes stay wide awake, and when his pulse beats at a normal rate, Bucky reaches to the radio next to his bed and listens to unfamiliar tunes until he hears the elevator come to life and knows that his friends have returned.


	5. Chapter 5

The first thing Steve Rogers did when he returned to the Avengers Tower was find Bucky to check on him. That's always the first thing he does, whether he was out for five minutes or five hours. So when he came back from the conference, before he even took off his coat, he hurried up a floor to knock on his best friend's bedroom door. Now, he's sitting on the edge of Bucky's bed, brushing a dark strand of hair out of his face. It feels like Brooklyn to them, like the spacious bedroom is a damp and wooden one with barely enough room for both of them, like the soft and new bed is creaking under their bodies. Like nothing changed, even though everything did. And they are close, almost touching like they used to before.  _"I'm sorry, Buck",_ Steve whispers hoarsely. What he is sorry for, exactly, he doesn't know. All he knows is that he left Bucky alone, and that Bucky hurt, and it feels like his fault. But his friend won't let him blame himself.  _"Don't be",_ he sighs,  _"I'm okay now."_ Bucky touches Steve's cheek tentatively with one finger.  _"I'm okay."_ Then he falls silent for a while, and Steve watches the wrinkles on his forehead, feels that Bucky wants to say something but can't quite get the words out. " _Uh",_ Bucky finally begins,  _"I, uh, I'd like to take a shower, Steve."_ Steve can't quite help laughing out loud at that;  _"_ That's  _what you were struggling to tell me? Gee, Buck!"_ Bucky responds by rolling his eyes. As his friend offers him a hand to help him stand up, Bucky snorts. He does take it though, and after he closes the bathroom door behind him, there's a smile on his lips.

As soon as Steve hears the water dribble, he lets out a groan. He should have known, should have at least expected something like this to happen. What he definitely shouldn't have done was leave Bucky alone for several hours.  _Semi-stable._ That's the word Bucky's therapist uses to describe his best friend's mental state. Not an immediate threat to himself or others, not to be hospitalised or put under constant surveillance – _"but leaving him alone for several hours? What was I thinking?"_ Steve lunges, ready to punch a hole in the wall. He changes the aim of his fist in the last second, burying it deep in the mattress instead. It makes hardly any sound, and his fist sinks into the soft fabric, which isn't satisfying at all. Steve is tense, and he knows he needs to cool down, that under no circumstances Bucky can see him like this. He squints at the clock on the bedside table, focusing on the ticking.  _"How can Bucky sleep beside it?",_ he wonders, given that he has the same enhanced hearing as the super soldier. It sounds too loud to Steve; so loud, in fact, that he doesn't even hear the bathroom door opening and Bucky stepping out, or maybe he's been focusing on the sound for too long.

Bucky watches him stare at his bedside table for a while, then notices that his friend is clenching his fist tightly. Steve hears him take a step back. _"You alright there, pal?"_ Steve's head shoots up, and he swallows hard in response.  _"Yeah",_ he confirms, his voice somewhat tense. After a while, when neither of them has moved, Bucky's friend seems to realise that Bucky is still in a bathrobe and dripping wet. Steve clears his throat. _"Should I... go or turn around, or something?"_ It seems like a somewhat strange question to ask his former lover -  _boyfriend,_ Steve remembers, is the common term nowadays; but a lot has happened since the 40s and both are unsure what they are these days. Bucky shrugs, but then waves Steve closer. The latter walks over to his friend carefully and uncertainly, and his breathing hitches in his chest when Bucky's hand brushes his. The contact only lasts a second, though, because Bucky just drops a hair tie into Steve's palm and, clearly avoiding his gaze, turns his back. After a moment of silence, Bucky speaks:  _"You used to braid our friends' hair as a kid."_ Steve knows it's a question even though it doesn't sound like one.  _"Mostly Maria's",_ he replies softly, confirming Bucky's memory. Then, tentatively, he raises his hands to Bucky's wet hair. The two stand in silence as Steve parts it into three strands, ignoring the fact that Bucky is holding his breath, and starts to braid it. The silence between them feels heavier than usual.  _"I'm glad you decided to keep the long hair",_ Steve murmurs in an attempt to start a conversation.  _"I like that I can do this now, you know?",_ his friend says, still tense, but with a small laugh. Frankly, he would've liked long hair in his twenties, too, but it was uncommon back then and people were already suspicious of the two of them.

The next part of the conversation is silent between the two men, and on both sides, unspoken truths that have been pleading to be acknowledged since Bucky moved into the tower are being quietly accepted. After what feels like a peaceful eternity, Steve is urged by his friend to go back to the others.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so don't worry, I haven't forgotten about Wanda yet! I just found it important to give you a general overview of where Steve and Bucky are at when this story takes place. But she is an important part of the story, and she's coming back in this chapter!
> 
> Also, again, I warn about this in the tags, but just to make sure:  
> TRIGGER WARNING: EATING DISORDERS

Wanda Maximoff doesn't like children. She never has, really, but ever since she's learnt to use her powers, she's been going out of her way to avoid them. They're uncontrollable and precious and not to be let near her– or any safety hazard, for that matter. So when Clint announces over tea that he's bringing his son and daughter for the night, she can't help but let out a certainly too loud sigh. Clint, pretending not to have heard her, goes on to talk about his son's strange sleeping pattern, while Scarlet Witch lets her gaze wander the room. She sees Bruce give her a sympathetic look and mouth  _"I'm not staying the night",_ but what catches her eye is the Winter Soldier, or rather his empty seat. Muttering an excuse, Wanda pushes her chair back and hurries up a flight of stairs. She raises her fist to knock on Bucky's door, when a voice from behind her back startles her:  _"You're very observant, Wanda."_ Bucky takes a step from behind the closet. He looks calm, sad almost, with big eyes that muster her closely.  _"Where are you going?",_ Wanda asks, eyeing Bucky's leather jacket and phone that he's holding.  _"I'm going for a walk. A long one",_ he adds, waving the water bottle he's been hiding under his jacket. Before he has the chance to say anything else, Wanda is already on her way to her own room.  _"I'm coming with you",_ Bucky hears her shout from two rooms over. It doesn't much sound like a plea, and Bucky's  _"No"_ gets stuck in his throat, but maybe he's also not trying too hard. Instead, he stands there with a small frown, listening to Wanda rummaging through what sounds like a pile of plastic bags and rattling aluminium cans.

He's about to shout to ask what on Earth she's doing when he hears his friend's footsteps again and she appears in front of him with a cotton bag on her arm. Wanda's expression is unnervingly cheerful, and with a quick  _"let's go",_  she gives Bucky's shoulder a light nudge towards the elevator. Clearly startled, he stumbles after the young woman and is surprised to find himself in front of the metal doors; but once they're standing still, Scarlet Witch sees Bucky shake his head demonstratively.  _"I'm not going in there",_ he clarifies, eyeing the metal box. Wanda's gaze shoots up, but she doesn't seem surprised. She does, however, feel the need to point out that it's their only way out that doesn't involve them crossing Clint's path. Bucky responds with a groan; Tony built three bars and two whirlpools, but a second staircase? _Nah._ He shrugs his shoulders, defeated, and presses the call button.  _It's okay, it's just an elevator. Breathe._ Knowing that Tony's elevators are rather spacious calms Bucky's nerves a little, and when it arrives, they both step inside. He watches Wanda press the button to the ground floor;  _26,_ he counts. 26 floors. Way too many.  _Breathe._  Bucky can feel his chest tightening as the elevator walls seem to enclose them. And even though the elevator is large and heated, it reminds him a damn lot of a cryostasis chamber, and his breathing becomes laboured and fast. He tries to take a deep breath; his chest hurts under the forceful pounding of his heart. Bucky feels his knees buckle underneath him, and if it wasn't for his friend's quick reflexes and her hand steadying him at his elbow, his legs wouldn't have supported him.

 _"Woah",_ Wanda exclaims,  _"it's okay, I've got you!"_ She's careful to touch her friend as little as possible as she helps him stand upright. Black spots dance in front of Bucky's eyes and he's suddenly drenched in cold sweat. Through the loud and yet somewhat distant whirring in his ears, he hears a ringing that signals that they have arrived on the ground floor. Supported by Wanda's arm, Bucky and her quickly step out of the metal box into the foyer, and Wanda leads him to the nearest sofa. _"I'm fine",_ Bucky protests, but Wanda insists he sit down. She musters him with a frown on her face. He looks pale, worryingly so.  _"You look like a ghost",_ Scarlet Witch points out, more to herself than to her friend. Indeed, while Bucky is naturally rather pale, and even more so, of course, since he stopped leaving the house on most days, his face has now turned a sickly, greyish colour. He merely shrugs in response and explains that he  _"just got scared back there",_ even though he knows that's only half the truth. However, his friend seems to pick up on that.  _"Bucky",_ Wanda says, a seriousness in her voice that she usually hides behind a tone of light-hearted mockery,  _"when was the last time you've eaten?"_ He feels her muster him closely.  _"The pretzel...",_ he begins, wondering whether his friend forgot that they each had one of Natasha's homemade pretzels for tea. With a movement of her head, Wanda dismisses his words.  _"And before that?",_ she inquires further, trying to make it sound casual and not like an interrogation as much as possible.  _"This morning..."_ Wanda cocks an eyebrow. She's good at it, too, because it makes Bucky feel damn guilty. Looking at the floor to avoid her gaze, he murmurs:  _"It didn't stay down. I didn't do it on purpose though!",_ he adds quickly, nervously rubbing his hand against his thigh.  _"God, we should have been more careful",_ his friend sighs as she sits down next to him. Bucky can't stand the look of guilt written on Wanda's face.  _"Hey."_ He lightly nudges her arm:  _"That's not what happened. I just panicked a little, okay? I'm a grown man. I can go a day without food."_ _"Not when you have hardly any energy reserves in your body to begin with!",_ Wanda interjects, subconsciously pulling her arm away from his. She takes a steadying breath and turns so that she can look straight forward at Bucky. Without breaking eye contact, Wanda reaches into her bag. There is a fierceness staring through the blue of her irises when she drops something into Bucky's hand. He looks down; it's a chocolate bar, one of those that are secretly just muesli bars coated in a thin layer of milk chocolate. When Bucky notices he's been staring at it for too long, he shifts his attention to the tile pattern, his gaze wandering along a cluster of circles. Soon, he's forced to accept that Wanda won't give in that easily. Scarlet Witch sees her friend lift his hand to try and drop the bar back into her palm. She draws her hand away.  _"Eat it",_ Wanda says in a stern voice, seeking Bucky's eyes with her iron look even when he turns his head. He holds the package with two fingers as if it was something hot. Bucky hoped his voice would sound less defeated when he admits that he can't.  _"l just had pretzels, I'm not hungry",_ he argues,  _"I don't need this right now."_

It is these last six words, he's later going to realise, that are the last straw in this situation. They cause Wanda to jump to her feet with a forcefulness that startles probably both of them.  _"Bucky!"_ His friend is now yelling.  _"You're a grown man, and you eat like a five-year-old!"_ It's evident that she's not even close to trying to keep her voice down.  _"Your blood sugar",_ she continues,  _"dropped dangerously low back there! So eat the bar, or, for the love of God, I will get someone who'll make you!"_ As soon as she's spit out the last word, Wanda looks at the frightened expression on her friend's face and is immediately hit by a wave of guilt. Her mouth opens and closes again.  _"Apologies."_ It's a whisper heavy with emotions, and Bucky can hear his heart pounding in his chest as he reaches for her hand with his, trying to ignore that he's trembling when he touches her skin. The next word he says surprises Wanda as much as it shocks him:  _"Alright."_ With shaky hands he tears a corner of the package. He involuntarily holds his breath.  _Eating outside feeding hours is punished with..._ Bucky squints his eyes and tries hard to ignore the memories. He takes a small bite. It tastes sweet, and underneath the chocolate, the fruit reminds him of summers in his grandparents' garden.  _Active soldiers are not to eat except during..._ Bucky takes another mouthful, only now realising how hungry he is.  _The correct amount of calories and proteins can be best reached by avoiding..._ The last bite Bucky takes feels the most deserved; he doesn't take it out of reason, or even conviction. Bucky takes it out of spite. And when he swallows it, despite the nausea building in his stomach, there's a faint taste of victory in the mix, too.

When he is finished with the chocolate bar, he screws up the package and gets on his feet. Wanda silently follows her friend through the doors and comes to a halt when Bucky does. She watches him pull his phone out and type a message in silence. After he's pressed send, Bucky turns the screen towards his friend.

_WANDA AND I ARE GOING FOR A WALK. COMING BACK IN THE MORNING. WE'RE FINE, I PROMISE. LOVE, BUCKY._

She nods. Steve will be worried regardless, Wanda knows that, but he won't come looking for them in the middle of the night and that's quite something. Without further ado, she motions for Bucky to follow her, and with fast strides, they walk through the streets of New York.


	7. Chapter 7

The most curious thing about big cities is that everyone says they're crowded, but they're full of different things to different people. To senior citizens, they're crowded with children and teenagers, to the heartbroken, they're crowded with loving couples, to businessmen, they're crowded with other businessmen all in the same grey blazer, and to children, they're crowded with friends. To the Winter Soldier, cities are full of once potential targets who he would have killed in cold blood, and who he now does his best to avoid while following his friend through a labyrinth of streets and crossroads.  _"You're still doing okay?",_ Wanda asks over her shoulder. Bucky hates that she needs to question that.  _"Yeah",_ he replies, trying to make his voice sound enthusiastic. It merely ends up an octave too high. They come to a halt when they reach a stoplight. A few pedestrians are already waiting for the light to turn green, but none of them seem to notice our strange pair. None except for a four-year-old, who suddenly appears in Bucky's field of vision. She's holding her mother's hand, who seems preoccupied with her baby that she's pushing around in a stroller. Bucky's pulse increases;  _they shouldn't let me near children. I have to go, why can't we just go?_ He blinks twice as if he's trying to make her disappear from his field of vision. The little girl smiles curiously at the tall, pale man and gives him a wave. Her smile is sweet and genuine like small children's smiles always are, and Bucky finds himself smiling back at her. He does like children, he's always liked them – he thinks. Bucky may even remember helping Jarvis – _the man, not the computer –_ babysit his nephew once to help him go on a date with a girl. Even though the memory is a pleasant one, it makes Bucky's head hurt. He is relieved when the lights turn green and him and Wanda cross the street in a brisk pace.

Up until now, Scarlet Witch has deemed it pointless to admit that she didn't exactly have a plan on where to go. But just when she contemplates asking her friend for suggestions, she notices that their path has lead them to the rear end of Central Park, which is, surprisingly, given the gorgeous weather, almost void of people. She can merely spot a group of ten, fifteen young women in leggings, who are busy yoga-ing away under the cool March sky.  _"Up for a walk in the park?",_ she asks her friend cheerfully. Bucky responds by shrugging and shuffling his foot. Then, he counters with a murmur:  _"It's not exactly going to be one, Wanda",_ at which she lets out a laugh so heartfelt that Bucky can't help but grin a little himself.  _"Alright",_ the young woman says,  _"let's see if Central Park's really as great as movies want you to believe",_ and the two of them set off in a haphazard direction. Our two friends walk in silence for a while, the quiet only interrupted by a few pigeons and a handful of joggers passing by. Wanda feigns ignorance whenever Bucky flinches at someone running by too closely, and when she feels his warm hand squeeze hers tightly, they both pretend to still be keeping distance between them.

Like that, they stroll through the park for a while, but just when Wanda feels that this is going almost  _too_ well, she notices her friend's breathing hitch. Indeed, when she turns to face him, his pupils are dilated and glassy, and a faint sound escapes his lips.  _"This is a_ really  _bad time to have a flashback",_ Wanda thinks, eyeing the groups of kids surrounding them on both sides. Two of the playing children catch her eye; two young boys of maybe five and eight years with water guns seem to be what triggered her friend. Wanda raises a hand:  _"Hey, you two!"_ The boys look at the ginger woman in surprise.  _"There's a veteran here. Would you mind going somewhere else to play?"_  The younger boy looks at her with a scared look, while the older boy immediately lowers his water gun and takes his friend by his hand.  _"Yes, ma'am",_ she hears the good kid assure her before they run off. Only now, Scarlet Witch can direct her attention to Bucky again. She steps in front of him, calls his name, but there is no response from her friend.  _"It's me, Wanda. You're in Central Park, taking a walk."_ Still no reaction from Bucky. Wanda worries that she may have to use her telepathic abilities again, and considering her friend's instability, she'd rather do anything else but that. Because there's no way to know how far away Bucky has gone, she very delicately places her hand on his shoulder. Bucky inhales sharply, and while he was holding his breath before, he is now close to hyperventilating.  _"Wanda-"_ His voice breaks as violent pictures flash before his eyes and he threatens to lose balance.  _Bullets, bullets everywhere, in men's hearts and splitting their skulls._  His knees buckle, and he stumbles away from his friend and trips a few meters farther. Wanda hurries to her friend, who's now sitting on the ground. Bucky raises his hand and turns its palm towards his face. He watches blood flows down his wrist; he must have cut himself on the gravel. Slowly, he regains control of his senses. Thankfully, Wanda spares him further humiliation by quickly offering him a hand and pulling him onto his feet again.  _"It's okay",_ he hears her whisper as she leads him behind a tree, away from the gaze of nosy passersby. Bucky lets himself sink against the trunk in exhaustion. He feels his eyes beginning to water with fatigue and quickly wipes the tears away with his sleeve. A light wave of embarrassment washes over him, but fortunately, he's too tired to truly care. In all honesty, all he wishes to do right now is to hear his best friend's voice telling him that he's going to be alright. Bucky pulls his phone out of his pocket, but just as he means to press call _,_ he receives a message. It's from Steve; Bucky opens the message, which reads:

_HOPE YOU'RE ALRIGHT. WE'RE ALL OUT WITH LILA AND COOPER. SEE YOU. LOVE, STEVE._

The Soldier sighs, locks his phone and leans his head against the trunk of the tree. He silently curses Steve in his head, then turns to Wanda, who has a frown on her face.  _"What's going on?"_ Bucky rubs his face with the palm of his hand;  _"Steve's out with the kids",_ he explains, staring at a spot in the dirt in front of him. From the corner of his eye, he sees Wanda tilt her head.  _"So? It's Steve, he never leaves without his phone. Just call him",_ she replies. Confusion must be written all over her face, because  _"Bucky knows that Steve wants him to call whenever he needs..."_ Just as she's about to voice her thoughts, it's as if her friend can suddenly read minds:  _"I've been constantly worrying him for the past three days now, I'd say he deserves a break",_ Bucky sighs, attempting to hide the hinge of bitterness behind a sarcastic laugh. Scarlet Witch opens her mouth to protest, but he silences her by raising his hand, and his movement has a finality to it that makes her swallow down her argument. Instead, she pulls out her phone from her bag.  _"That was enough strolling in the park for today, don't you think?"_ Without awaiting Bucky's answer, Wanda types in a quick message. Just a few seconds later, a ring notifies her of the reply. Wanda stows her phone away again and claps her hands together.  _"Alright",_ she proclaims,  _"I've just been told that our ride is here."_ And before Bucky can ask a question, she's off and waving at a black car in front of the park gates, and all that's left to do for her friend is follow her, perplexed.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: EATING DISORDERS

Bucky, from a safe distance of a few metres, watches Wanda walk around the car to the driver's window. He sees the window being rolled down and hears an unfamiliar, low voice discuss something that involves the words  _my_ _friend_ ,  _sleep_ and  _talk little._ He can only assume they mean him. After a while, just when Bucky starts to grow impatient, he hears the car door open, and a tall figure steps out. Bucky estimates that the man who greets him is around twenty-five, with childlike features and a head full of thick black curls. He offers a hand for Bucky to shake.  _"I'm Philip",_ the man introduces himself. His voice is deep and soothing and somewhat reminds Bucky of his therapist, but maybe that's just because he's only spoken to about twenty people since he came to New York. He shakes Philip's hand:  _"Bucky."_ If Philip knows who Barnes is, he's doing a great job of not letting it on. Seemingly unfazed, he replies: " _Nice to meet you, Bucky",_ and motions towards his car, signalling for Bucky and Wanda to step in.

They both enter in the back, and as Philip is putting on his seatbelt, Wanda proudly notices from the corner of her eye that Bucky is tempted to question the admittedly strange situation she's gotten him in. Indeed, after a few more moments of silence between the three, Wanda and Philip hear their companion clear his throat.  _"So_   _what's going on?",_ he begins. Hearing himself speak makes Bucky aware that the other two can notice the poorly hidden anxiety in his voice.  _"Wanda and I have been friends for a while now",_ Philip explains in a calm tone.  _"She asked me if the two of you could stay at my house for a night. Neither know your reasons nor am I going to ask."_ At that, he winks at Wanda and gives her a smirk that makes Bucky question whether  _friends_ is all they are. Giving it a second thought, though, he figures maybe he doesn't want to know. Because then he'd have to tell Vision, and that is _not_ a conversation he would want to have with the android. Instead, he thanks Philip for the explanation, then goes on to stare through the window. For a while, Bucky just watches the buildings and other cars that they pass, giving himself time to process the events of the last half an hour. It certainly felt good to leave the house for once, and he must admit that even though he's worn out from the rather severe panic attack that he suffered, he's looking forward to the next time he can go to Central Park. _Anyways, it's not like he doesn't have panic attacks when he stays in the tower, too,_ he thinks to himself. _All_ _in all,_ Bucky contently concludes in his head, _it's a good day for him._

His thoughts are interrupted as the vehicle comes to a halt in front of a grey apartment block. Bucky follows Wanda and Philip as they step out of the car, and they walk after the young man as he leads them through the front door and up two flights of stairs. After unlocking the door to his apartment, he motions for them to come in. Bucky and Wanda follow Philip's example as he takes off his shoes, and from where he's standing, Bucky can see a parlor and a small, dimly lit room. Indeed, their host proceeds to lead them through the living room and into what turns out to be a kitchen. There, he motions for them to take a seat while he rummages through a cupboard and a couple of drawers. After a minute or so, our friends see him reappear with a tray of biscuits in one hand and a bottle of Chardonnay in the other. He places both on the table, grabs three glasses from a cupboard and pours each of them an eighth. As Philip leans back in his chair, Bucky can feel the man's mustering gaze on his forehead.  _"So tell me",_ Philip begins,  _"how do you two know each other?"_ Wanda quickly takes it upon herself to answer the question:  _"Bucky's an old friend of Cap's",_ she replies.  _"He was looking for an appartment a while back. For now, he lives at the Avenger's Tower thanks to Mr. Stark, who has some private business there tonight, which is why we needed a place to stay."_ Bucky notices that Scarlet Witch is fastidiously avoiding the reveal of any information about who exactly he is, which seems strange to him given the fact that he assumed most of the public knew about the Winter Soldier's fate. It ignites a spark of curiosity in him about who this  _Philip_ is, exactly. Therefore, and to everyone's surprise, including his own, Bucky decides to voice a follow-up question:  _"And you two?"_ Philip and Wanda exchange quick,  _nervous?, Bucky thinks,_ glances, and he feels his own heart race in his chest. But then, with laughing eyes, their host turns to Bucky again and replies:  _"We're both in the US as refugees, Sokovian blood binds us together. Who knows",_ he adds after a small pause and a wink,  _"we might even be cousins."_ For the last part of the sentence, his laugh has reached his voice, and he exudes a warmth into the room that helps ease Bucky's anxiety a little. The silence that follows feels a little too long. After a while, Philip gestures towards the biscuit tray.  _"Please, be my guest."_ Both Wanda and Bucky politely take one. Bucky looks at the marmelade biscuit in his hand, studies the strawberry-coloured dot in the middle. He knows that under any other circumstances, he wouldn't eat it, because it's dessert,  _and_   _dessert is too sugary and sugar doesn't sustain for long enough and who knows when his next meal will be?_ Bucky takes a steadying breath, trying to block out the painful thoughts racing in his head. _He's had dessert before, he can have dessert again._ He hopes that Philip doesn't notice his trembling hand as he bites into the biscuit. It's not as sweet as he thought it would be, but it's somewhat drier and crumblier; Bucky pushes the final bit into his mouth, anxious to finally get this over with.

Wanda has in the meantime started a conversation with Philip about his job, which, as far as Bucky understands, is something to do with media marketing – Bucky makes a mental note to add it to the list of things he has to catch up on, and imagines writing  _media marketing_ under  _Apple and Samsung (war?)._  With a silent chuckle, he notices that _"the_ _topics I was most oblivious to as the Winter Soldier seem to have a pattern._ " It's somewhat ironic, he finds, if you come to think about it, given that an entire arm of his was built with modern technology.

After a while, Bucky notices that his friends have stopped talking, and Philip clears his throat:  _"It's getting late",_ he states, eyeing the clock above the kitchen counter that reads  _10:30._ _"You must be tired." ~~~~_ ~~~~Wanda is quick to assent. _"You two can sleep on the sofas, I'll bring you two pillows and blankets",_ their host says. And with that, Bucky and Wanda follow him into the living room and watch him make their beds while standing around, slightly useless and awkward.


	9. Chapter 9

The living room is filled with blackness when our friend wakes up from strange noises in the dead of the night. After sitting up, they look around, eyes adjusting to the darkness. It takes a while before the outlines of the room are visible and it becomes clear where the whimpering and tossing comes from. Bucky, who has become a very light sleeper ever since he returned to Steve, notices that Scarlet Witch is immersed in what appears to be a terrifying nightmare, her blanket was kicked off the couch by her nervous legs. Quickly, he throws his own aside and hurries over to his friend.  _"Wanda."_ Bucky places a hand on her shoulder in concern, and gently rocks her. Wanda responds with a startled cry and props herself up on her elbow. She blinks, once, twice, and only then seems to notice her friend. Bucky hears her gulp:  _"Sorry I woke you up",_ she pants, her breathing slowly normalising. Bucky huffs at his friend's self-righteousness, tempted to roll his eyes.  _"Are you alright?",_ he asks instead in a low voice. Wanda responds with a quick nod.  _"Don't worry about it, I'm fine. You can go back to sleep",_ she assures Bucky, a wave of guilt washing over her as she realises that she disrupted sleep that, after a succession of several partially or completely restless nights on her friend's side, he desperately needed. Wanda hears Bucky let out a sigh.  _"I mean, it's none of my business anyways",_ he starts,  _"but you can talk to me anytime, alright? And you don't have to... You know."_ He shrugs, thinking about how all the Avengers walk on eggshells around him, especially Steve.  _"I mean, you don't have to be extra careful or anything",_ he finishes his sentence, really hoping that Wanda is listening. He sees the upper corners of her mouth tug up slightly in response, but it may just as well be a grimace that the dark hides from him. Once again, Wanda urges him to go back to bed, and this time, Bucky obeys. He pulls his blanket up to his chin again, and just as his eyelids mean to flutter shut with tiredness, he hears his friend murmur:  _"Sometimes, I wonder how soldiers cope with fighting in a war. I can barely live with having fought in one battle."_ Bucky realises that she means the battle of Sokovia. He tries weighing sarcasm against depressing honesty; eventually, he replies:  _"If you're barely living, then I'm doomed."_ He feels a sense of relief when he hears Wanda laugh in response. Finally, silence falls again, and Bucky's friend watches him in his sleep until dawn.

Bucky awakes in the morning to the sound of boiling water and the smell of fresh coffee. A quick glance at the couch on the opposite side of the room tells him that Scarlet Witch got up before him, and indeed, he can hear two muffled voices chatter in the room nextdoor. Rubbing sleep from his eyes, Bucky makes his way towards the kitchen, where he finds Philip and Wanda sitting in one corner of the room. Upon hearing the kitchen door creek open, the two of them interrupt their heated discussion and look up to the newest arrival. Philip stands up in a hospitable manner, and the frown on his face morphs into a polite smile.  _"Good morning, Bucky",_ he wishes his guest. He sounds almost too cheerful.  _"Morning",_ Bucky replies with a smile. He looks around, eyeing the crumbles on Philip and Wanda's breakfast plates.  _"You could've woken me up earlier."_ Philip laughs and waves him off, murmuring something about not being  _"that kind of host",_ and signals for Bucky to take a seat.  _"Coffe?",_ he asks, after having a quick look into the fridge and cupboards,  _"And toast or cereals?"_  Bucky decides that he may want to cut back the caffeine a little, given that it appears to make him anxious. _"Don't bother with coffee",_ Wanda hears her friend quickly interject, his voice letting on that he clearly still feels uncomfortable for interrupting their conversation. Somehow, Philip manages to gravely misunderstand Bucky's indecisiveness as being a choice, because next thing Bucky knows, the young fellow throws two pieces of toast into the toaster and places a bottle of milk and a box of wholegrain cornflakes on the table; Bucky definitely didn't mean to say he wanted both. Philip then grabs a small plate and two cereal bowls, pulls one of them to himself and pours in some milk and cornflakes, and then serves Bucky the toast. After grabbing two spoons and the butter he hasn't put back in the fridge yet, he, too, takes a seat. Bucky watches Philip eat his cornflakes for a bit while he himself takes bites of hot toast, savouring in the flavour of melted butter. Memories from his childhood of school breakfasts with Steve and other friends dance around in his head, and the real smell of toast mixes with imaginary laughter. He recalls Maria and Betty bickering about whether toast should be cut diagonally, or top to bottom –  _it's diagonally, of course, Bucky affirms –_ and a faint feeling of nostalgia hits him.

He must've zoned out, because when Wanda addresses him, she sees her friend jump a little in his seat.  _"Tony just texted me",_ she informs Bucky,  _"he says he wants to talk to you about your birthday that's coming up."_ Bucky merely groans in response. Tony's been trying to put together a birthday party for him ever since... well, ever since he got Bucky to tell him when his birthday is. Still, underneath the partly feigned, partly genuine annoyance, he can't help but feel a sense of gratitude for everything Tony's done for him. Bucky doesn't like to imagine what life for him and Steve would've been like had they not reconciled with Stark, and he would've hated to tear Steve away from his friends.  _"Alright,_   _I'll talk to him when we get back",_  he finally says. _And it better not be a big deal that Tony has in mind..._

Once Bucky has finished his breakfast and turned down a second helping, he and Wanda get up and say goodbye to Philip. He brings them to the door and offers them a ride back, but Wanda is already on the phone with a taxi service and waves his offer off. Philip turns once again to Bucky, who shakes the younger man's hand and thanks him profusely for offering him and his friend a place to stay.  _"I'm glad I could help out",_ Philip beams. His broad smile gives him an even more youthful appearance, and Bucky is suddenly hit with the realisation that Philip, and Wanda, too, are really just kids! At least as far as Wanda is concerned, that's a fact that is easy to forget, too easy, and Bucky's heart weighs a little heavier at the thought. After last night especially, he figures that Wanda may benefit from therapy as well, and he makes a mental note to address that concern. But for now, he follows her silently into the just arrived taxi, and they drive off.


	10. Chapter 10

It's a warm day, and although Cap is standing in the shade, sweat starts dripping down his forehead. He takes another jug of iced coffee from the coffee cup in his hand before successfully aiming it at the bin. He squints his eyes to look down the long-ish road. Just as he contemplates going back inside, he sees a cab pull around the corner and come to a halt a few metres behind him. He watches Bucky and Scarlet Witch get out of the taxi, and while Wanda pays the driver, Bucky makes his way towards Steve. The latter can't help but beam at the sight of his friend, even though it has hardly been twelve hours since they last saw each other. He greets Bucky with a  _"Hey, pal!"_ and with, he realises, a stupidly in love grin. Fortunately, that doesn't seem to bother Bucky at all, whose eyes light up with joy as he walks right up to his friend. Although one might think, after the brunet tilts his chin up slightly and meets Steve's soft lips with his, that the correct term may be  _boyfriend._  Steve almost jumps in surprise,  _or, he figures maybe he did indeed jump_  because Bucky breaks away from the contact after just a second. He proceeds to blush, quietly clear his throat and look past Steve at the glass building behind him. Bucky may mean to give him a few moments to recover from the surprise, but Wanda definitely doesn't.  _"Is it finally official? Tony's been calling you boyfriends behind your backs for months"_ , she teases the two men, her tone still sweet and kind. Both Bucky and Steve abruptly turn their heads towards her, and Steve demonstratively huffs  _"He's called me worse things"_  and rolls his eyes.  _"Let's go inside",_ he finally suggests, and they enter the building, all three of them with smiles on their lips.

There is, of course, still the obstacle of the elevator. For a second, Bucky seriously contemplates getting inside the metal box again, but he's anxious to avoid another panic attack in front of Steve, particularly after the milestone they just reached in terms of rebuilding their relationship.  _"I'll take the stairs, I need to talk to Tony, alright?",_ he therefore says to his friends and proceeds to ignore Steve's objections, which sound like something along the lines of  _"you'll be too tired"_ and are probably fair, except that Bucky just had the first good night's sleep in a week and a breakfast that actually fuelled his body, for a change. A good 22 floors later, Bucky finds himself in Stark's lab, where the man himself is screwing away at some kind of robot. Upon hearing Bucky's footsteps at the door, Tony turns around and faces him with a broad grin.  _"Well if that isn't the Winter Soldier",_ he roars,  _"he's back, everybody!"_ He emphasises his words with a grand gesture of his hand, striking the right balance between majestic and ridiculous to make Bucky laugh out loud.  _"You wanted to talk to me, Tony?" "Yes, I did! I want to ask you about your birthday",_ Tony interrupts him,  _"I was thinking some good old music, we could order steak or burgers or both, the other guys can all bring a plus one–" "No plus ones!",_ Bucky quickly interjects, earning himself a huff from his friend. Not that Stark doesn't think it's fair enough,  _of course it is,_ and he wouldn't want to pressure Barnes into doing something he wasn't ready for.  _"Okay then, just the eleven of us, plus Pep, alright?"_ Quickly, Bucky gives a nod of approval. Pepper pretty much earned his utmost respect when she spent an entire night researching trauma therapists in New York some three months ago, when Bucky himself was too scared to admit that he needed to talk to somebody about what he went through, even a professional. The guy he ended up with, probably thanks to Pepper's connections –Bucky doubts he takes a lot of new clients– is one of the best in the US. It's almost as if Tony can read his mind, because the next thing he says is:  _"By the way, your therapist called the landline. Jarvis said he left a message. You want him to play it?"_ Bucky quickly nods his approval.  _"Jarvis, could you give us Brian's message, please?" "Of course, Mr. Barnes",_ the AI replies.  _"Playing Brian's message now."_ Then, there's a quiet rustle, followed by a familiar voice:  _"Hello, Bucky, it's me, Brian. I'm just calling to confirm that I'll have time for a session tomorrow, that's the 17th, at 10.30. So unless your plans change, I'll consider the date and time set. See you!"_ After the message finishes, Tony contently claps his hands together:  _"Great!",_ he exclaims,  _"So we'll have the entire morning to prepare your big– medium",_ he corrects himself as he sees the glare Bucky gives him  _"birthday thing! Are cheeseburgers okay with you?"_ Bucky merely shrugs, clearly just trying to get this conversation over with.  _"What's not okay with me is that I'll have to be at a goddamn_ party,  _Tony, and talk to all of you at once."_ He doesn't voice that thought, but instead makes his way towards the staircase again.

He's just about to push down the door handle to his room when he hears a voice calling him from behind:  _"Barnes! Care to join us for a round of blackjack?"_ Bucky whirls around, startled, and Rhodey suppresses a giggle– it doesn't seem fair to him to make fun of Barnes for being a little jumpy. His friend purses his lips at first, but then the corners of his mouth tug up slightly.  _"Sure",_ he agrees,  _"Who's playing?" "Bruce, 'Tasha, Sam, you, me."_ _"Might be a little rusty after all these years, but I'll try my best",_ he says with a laugh.  _"Alright!"_ And the two men walk up a floor to Natasha's room and knock on the door.  _"Come in!",_  they hearBlack Widow call. Sam, Bruce and Natasha are sitting in a circle in the middle of the room with a bucket full of popcorn, and Bruce is shuffling three decks of cards with just enough self-confidence to make up for his clumsiness in the matter.  _"Sit down",_ he commands Rhodey and Bucky while dealing two cards to each player. The popcorn goes around.  _"So",_ Natasha begins,  _"I've heard we've got a birthday boy among us."_ Bucky can feel his friends' eyes on him, and his cheeks flush red. He quickly taps floorto signal a hit – _he has a double-six against an Ace–_ and looks up to Black Widow, who meets his eyes with a smirk showing in hers.  _"A birthday boy who may or may not mysteriously disappear tomorrow evening",_ Bucky jokes, collecting the chips with one hand. He hears Sam's quiet laugh and sees him roll his eyes: _"Jokes on us because we actually thought you'd be moving in– turns out you just come here from time to time to make out with America's best boy."_

At that, the room cools down as if it suddenly became aware of the Winter Soldier's presence, who sharply sucks air through his teeth. Bucky can hear his own heartbeat, and the furniture seems to be spinning around him. He swallows hard, because  _shit, they know,_ _they know about Steve and him, and Wanda saw them kiss, he should've been more careful, he shouldn't have– "Hey, easy."_ Bucky feels Rhodey's hand on his shoulder and shrugs it away. But the brief touch does ground him as the room slowly stops spinning. He sees his friends' concerned looks, and Sam in particular tries to meet Bucky's eyes.  _He can't, it's all too much;_ he jumps to his feet and leaps to the door.  _" 'M sorry",_ he mumbles, then turns on his heel and storms out of the room.

Sam and Natasha leap to their feet simultaneously, but before Black Widow can make a stride towards the door, her friend's warm hand on her shoulder stops her.  _"Give him a break, Nat",_ murmurs Sam, his brow furrowed. He sees the redhead give him a sceptical look, but she sits down again and ruffles her ginger locks in frustration. Another round of cards is dealt; neither of the players pay much attention to the game, and when Bruce is knocked out of the game, they agree to discontinue and everyone but Natasha leaves her room.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: BLOOD/VIOLENCE (SOMEWHAT EXPLICIT)

Bucky is aware that he's being ridiculous. The moment he slams the door shut behind him, he knows that he's overreacting, and he also knows that the right thing to do would be to go back and apologise to his friends, maybe even explain to them why he reacted the way he did.  _I'm sorry,_ he should say to them,  _I know you didn't mean to hurt me._ He should tell Sam about how a good twenty percent of his nightmares aren't even about Hydra or his kills or even his time on the frontline, but about the Brooklyn police knocking on Steve's and his door one day to arrest them and worse. Instead of returning, though, his panicked steps lead him to the suite just below his. His fist barely touches the door before it swings open.

If Steve is at all surprised to see Bucky, he does a great job at hiding it. In fact, the only part of his face that gives away any surprise at all are his eyebrows, which he moves up slightly in a cool-but-concerned fashion.  _"Everything alright?",_ Cap inquires, his eyes searching for Bucky's averted gaze. The brunet man gulps.  _"Can I enter?"_ Bucky realises how pressing he sounds and silently curses himself already for coming to his boyfriend. When the latter steps aside to let him in, he walks through the door in silence and sinks into the sofa with an inaudible sigh. Steve, following Bucky's example, takes a seat next to him, crosses his legs and waits for his boyfriend to speak. Indeed, after a few moments, Bucky manages to muster up some courage:  _"How d'you get used to it?",_ Steve hears Bucky murmur, his eyes firmly focused on the floor. Steve frowns.  _"Get used to what?" "Just... everything."_ Bucky swallows, hard. The words he wishes to utter die on lips too dry and trembling. He notices Steve's worried gaze on him and tries taking a steadying breath; it comes out as more of a gasp.  _"I'm still scared, Stevie",_ he whispers,  _"to give you a kiss when your friends are around. Still think half of the time that I can't trust them. I still shake when they talk about us, Steve."_ Bucky gulps and forces himself to look directly at his boyfriend. The expression on Bucky's face walks a fine line between sorrow and exasperation. He feels Steve lay his warm palm on the small of his back and forces himself to a weak smile as he brushes the hand away with his own.  _Breathe. It's alright. You're safe._

Screams from the Winter Soldier's distant past that only he himself can hear, suddenly make him jump in his seat. It was '41 when he last heard most of the voices that he now recognises; Robert and Joseph, Paul and Michael, Frederick and George. He presses back against the sofa and stares forward with wide open eyes. Bucky doesn't dare to close them, for he knows precisely the images he would be seeing.  _"It's alright, Buck",_ he hears Steve whisper; whether it's Steve from the 40s or the Steve next to him, Bucky can't tell.  _"It's alright",_ he's saying, while young Frederick is being dragged out of a bar violently, his freckles rivaled in number by the splashes of blood on his face.  _"It's alright",_ he murmurswhile Joseph is clinging onto his lover's lifeless body with a knife protruding from its chest.  _"It's alright",_ he whispers through the prison bars and Michael whispers back something that goes under in both their loud sobs. Normally, when Bucky remembers people from his past, it's a relief, a small victory, a welcome thought. But this is a flashback, and it has his entire body trembling and his chest constricting painfully around his throbbing heart.  _"Buck, it's okay. You're in the Avengers Tower. We're safe here."_ Steve offers a hand for Bucky to take. Shakily, Bucky grabs the other's hand with his own right. Cap sees his friend's mouth open and close again, as if he's searching for the right words to express his fear and pain.  _"Please tell your friends I'm sorry",_ Bucky murmurs,  _"but also that I need a bit of time."_ Steve nods, giving his boyfriend's hand a light squeeze.  _"And also",_ Bucky adds after a while with a weak giggle,  _"tell them to play it cool at the party tomorrow."_

_March 9,_

Steve later writes in his notebook, after Bucky has left to take a nap,

_I don't know what to do anymore. Help me, Maria, so help me. I know I have no right to be impatient, but this is killing me. He won't even look at me when others are around like it's still 1941. How stupid of me to think everything would be normal again once he moved in. It takes time, so everyone keeps saying, but how much more? How much longer until I can hold him close again or until we can go out to a bar or restaurant and not have to worry..._

A single teardrop lands on the page, smudging the last words Steve wrote. To say that Bucky isn't making progress would be a lie, and Steve is genuinely, utterly happy for every small step of his towards recovery. But the wait is becoming more exhausting with every passing day.  _He just wishes,_ Steve thinks to himself, eyeing the still swaying door through which Bucky exited the room,  _that there was a way to turn back time..._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey-oh!  
> Sorry for being inactive for a while. I was quite busy and somewhat lacking in motivation...  
> I decided that I'm going to take a break from this fanfiction until I feel moved to continue! In the meantime, I may or may not start a Good Omens fanfiction – tell me if that's something you'd be interested in!  
> Now I'm not saying that this story will never be continued/finished, but I don't want to continue just for the sake of continuing, or sacrifice quality for the sake of quantity!  
> I hope I'll see you again someday!  
> So long!


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